____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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