ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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