Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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