Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
