I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm lost and stupid without you.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
