I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
