I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize