I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i wish my penis had a tongue
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
