babies were throwing up all over the place
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
