Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
a search helicopter?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
