I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
