Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
