i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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