I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
