why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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