Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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