I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
