Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
