note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
