wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
