even my farts smell like vagina
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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