I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
