You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
we should paint friendship bongs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
