you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
