Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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