I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
