Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
