I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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