He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
