I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
