No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
