He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
grandma shit on top of the toilet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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