It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
