Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He uses pillows to masturbate.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
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