You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
