No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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