I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
