My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
