We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he thought i was a dude.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
should my penis look like a turkey
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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