whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
