I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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