New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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