I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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