Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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