"it" just moved
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
