Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
