haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
