ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
