I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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