I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
