When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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