I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize