WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
