Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
