Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
