I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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