I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
