Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
