Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
