This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
