i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
