There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
