I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
