i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
