he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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