I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
two words...techno handjob
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
