I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
