I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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