I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
